Linzi Interviews Moctezuma Johnson
I am very excited to present my very first interview with the same person who first interviewed me. Yes, the self-proclaimed ‘King of Porn’, Moctezuma Johnson, or MJ, as we call him.
For those of you who are familiar with his writing and blogs, you know that he’s a straight shooter - a no-holds barred kind of person. That’s exactly what this interview is about. The raw, unvarnished Moctezuma Johnson. You either love him or hate him. There is no in-between. You’ve been warned. He’s bold, challenging and confrontational; a sophisticated raconteur of the uncut and unexpurgated. Only the brave should continue reading this. Fortunately for me, I am one that has acquired an appetite for it and savors that truly rare style that is Moctezuma Johnson.
His explicit uninhibited narrative is phenomenal. For me, he is the Leonardo da Vinci of the written word. His talent lies in his ability to paint with words. The scenery is colorfully evocative written with a masterful skill that insinuates one into the steamy passages as a voyeur cum participant. It is you that lives the torrid tales that he spins with such finesse and class, that until you reach the hard core, you’ll find it difficult to believe that you’re reading pornography.
So, without any further ado...meet Moctezuma Johnson.
MJ, first things first, give us all the hot stuff about you that no one else knows. You know, the color of your hair, how tall are you, age, hotness rating, favorite color, stamina in the be…I mean gym…lol…just kidding, a short bio of you as a writer will probably be the only thing that I will be able to wring from you…sigh, sorry ladies…I tried!
Chestnut hair like a swarthy muhfucker but I shave my head. I’m six feet tall. I’m 41-43 (there’s some discrepancy about that), and fucking hot as all hairy balls. Red, red (in bed, err, gym -- as in, redlining). Oh you were kidding about the physical attributes? Oh well, oops, guess I’ve embarrassed myself again. Sorry, men. I was just about to get to the cock size. Sorry ladies. Can we start again? Yes? Awesome. You’re such a lovely audience I’d love to take you home with me I’d love to make you hum. I don’t really want to start the show, but I thought you might like to know:
I’m a journalist turned bar owner turned writer who really doesn’t care for the world 2016 writers have inherited. As I told you off the record, I’m quite depressed. I am not happy with the state of the world at all.
I’m sure you have been asked this question a million times. Your writing is phenomenal. You have a way of describing and coloring a picture so vividly with words, it brings it to life. The kind of writing one expects from a literature genre, a more serious writer. Why Porn and how did you come by the title, King of Porn?
The King of Porn? Man, that’s silly. I think I made it up to piss off another writer who I will call T. Queef. If not, I was just poking a little fun at myself for having a big inflatable ego like a multi-colored pie-sliced beach ball. I wish my writing was phenomenal, but it’s not. That’s very nice of you to say.
You write about a myriad of controversial topics. Where do your ideas come from and how do you decide on a title for your books?
I never decide on anything. If you watch my library you will miraculously see covers changing color, titles changing, and even characters metamorphosing. If I read outloud, I edit as I read. This is also the answer to the previous question. I’m never satisfied, always editing, and always mock my own work as I write it. My ideas come from many sources, the most common of which is my long staring walks. I told Sallyann Phillips the same thing. I walk the way a cat “plays” with a snake, with severe purpose. My eyes scour the horizon, my nostrils flare, I take slow deep breaths, I listen to the moon hum, I play out scenes in my head, I consider possibilities, then I stare at you and ask what color bra you’re wearing and from what position was your mom’s last orgasm achieved. I talk to everyone. I make friends easily. I’m blessed with great social skills, or cursed because inside I’m brooding. I secretly hate the world. I think people are lazy and stupid and in the process of destroying the human race. I piss people off a lot too. I’ve found I end up sleeping with many of the woman I piss off. I think many women like to get pissed off. I think being mad often gives women a sense of self. My mom gets all vindication from men. I hate that about her. This generation is much stronger, much more in touch with their anger. This is good for me when I’m trying to get laid, but it has led to a very rough attitude, especially among Americans. I don’t care for it. We are running out of culture as a race and are not equipped to function without it. Our technology surpasses our common sense and will lead to our imminent destruction.
So why porn, you ask? I thought it sold well. I was wrong. I write some other stuff under other names too. Secret secret! But because I think we’re doomed I’m really drawn to mythology, particularly Cthulhu and Mexican stuff.
So, the big question everyone always asks female Erotica writers. How much of your own experiences are in your stories?
Well, ha ha ha, sorry I can’t stop laughing. A fucking lot! I mean, I’ve run a bar and traveled Latin America and Asia extensively. I keep myself fit and, to be blunt, get a ton of pussy. Also I admittedly have had a few substance abuse problems that come and go in ever-changing patterns and phases. Therefore, some of my stuff reads more like memoir. I’ve been thinking of changing my Chronicles of a Humiliation Series to a memoir. I’ve also been thinking about writing down my secret life I had when running the bar. The more I talk with other writers now that I’m a boring old grumpy cunt of a man, I realize my real life has been pretty exciting. The problem is I’m planning to pull the plug on my writing. I’ll write, I just won’t publish. Maybe a few bloggy things, but no “books” on the GREAT AND ALL-POWERFUL ZON. To be honest, I think the quality of work out in 2016 sucks. There are some great writers, but fucking hell they’re hard to find. I’m not sure that’s the pool I want to swim in. I know, a lot of writers have their upper lips trembling right now, nostrils flaring, and others are wiping away tears, others are turning to their friends and saying, “he does not fucking mean me, that asshat!” But that’s how I feel. I’ve been depressed and I’m entitled to think most plots are unimaginative, most sentence structures rival those of beginners in Asian countries I’ve taught English. Also, the review games are either fluffy hogwash or mean spirited playa-hating. It’s just not for me. Maybe it’s sour grapes because I offend a lot of my twitter followers who then actively seek me out, buy my books, accuse them (the books, yes) of raping their grandmothers and gayifying their cross-dressing jock quarterback cocksucking sons. I used to think it was positively futalicious that these nutbags gravitated to me, but then it started to wear me down. Perhaps after a hiatus in Thailand where I have a room full of girls suck me off one by one while calling out a letter of the alphabet until they gag will empty my rancor-tank but I doubt it. I think I’m just an asshole. So yes, the stories are semi-autobiographical, and all the villains are based on my wife. All the Nyarlathotep universe-eating beasts, those are all based on her. No, I’m not kidding. They say write what you know. I listen.
If you have to choose one book that you have written that have had a major influence on your life, which one would it be, and tell us how it influenced you.
This is a great question that turned my text into italics, but I’m not sure. I think I haven’t written it. I wrote this anti-imperialism piece about fifteen years ago that has disappeared that made me want to join the Zapatista Army in Mexico. That was life-changing. That’s really all I can say about that. What happens in Chiapas stays in Chiapas.
What kind of challenges do you face in your writing and what do you do to overcome them?
I hate editing. I’m always re-writing. I love editing. Thus I hate it. Editing is like tits, rum, and smoke, there’s never enough. After a while, I have to just give up and turn in a shitty product because I don’t have money for editors nor the time to properly polish my work. That’s probably the main reason to go on hiatus. I need to retool to produce quality.
What does your writing process look like? Are you a plotter or a pantster? Do you have any strange writing habits (like standing on your head or writing in the shower)?
I wrote my best book in the shower but it kind of melted off the page, got all sudsy, and washed down the drain. Somewhere in the sewer systems of San Francisco is a bestseller by Moctezuma Johnson. I’ve crawled the sewers before (yes, looking up at the stars!) but maybe when I come out of the self-imposed exile I’ll jump headfirst into a septic tank and gather up all that ink and upload it into a kindle for you to see. I have no consistent method. Sometimes I plot every last fucking detail by drawing on the wall with crayons, other times I sit, start, and finish with no mind whatsoever as to what the fuck I am doing. My creativity comes in all forms and from many angles. I doubt I’m a pantster. I’d be more of an underwearster
Do you read your reviews? Do you respond to them, good or bad? Do you have any advice on how to deal with the bad?
I thought I knew how to deal with reviews. Turns out I have no fucking idea. I guess, it’s best to think all your high reviews were written by people of average intelligence or better and think all your shitty reviews were written by illiterate morons. I wouldn’t say that in public, but that’s what I think.
What is your least favorite part of the publishing / writing process?
All of it. I think it’s a goddamn sham.
Apart from me of course…lol…who is your favorite author and how have they affected your own writing or life experiences?
Of our group of indie writers, I like you quite a bit. You really know how to write. Your sentences are gorgeous and contain internal logic for which I am thankful. I find many books recently are just gobbledybooks. They lack logic, structure, and grammatical sense. An editor could really help a lot of the recent work I’ve read.
Of course, I like Callie Press, my SMUTPUNK partner in crime. I feel bad leaving her to fend for herself without me as an active partner. It’s like Ponch leaving Jon, or better yet, like Cheech leaving Chong. Maybe she’ll be the reason I come (back). I think I may have missed a word there. I said it, I just must have turned away from the mic for a second. Italo “Motherfucking” Calvino. He’s my favorite writer by far. I’m hoping some Hollywood asshole will try to make one of his books into a movie so I can laugh at the movie’s total inability to capture the pure genius of fiction. I will pay (much like my one-star reviewers pay me to take shots at me) good money just to sit there and laugh at Hollywood’s puny attempt to stage genius. I’m not crazy about movies. I think even the best movie has the shallow depth akin to an okay short story. I believe the depth of a great book cannot be translated to the screen.
What do you consider to be your best accomplishment and what do you still want to accomplish as an author?
I haven’t accomplished anything I’m proud of. I ate all my food once at grade school many years ago. That was a good day. No no, that’s not totally true. I didn’t drink the blue milk. I’ve always hated opening those laborious containers. Fuck milk anyway. It’s dumb. Dumb milk.
Wait, there’s something...err, I am really proud of an interview I did with the now defunct Cumshot Village. That was like getting into Playboy for me. Very exciting. And they solicited me. Sexy. I’m proud of being part of this SMUTPUNK thing, whatever it is. I hope it becomes something at least for a little bit of time. That would be nice. If it doesn’t that would be fine too. SMUTPUNK doesn’t care!
Of all the books you have read, what book do you wish you could have written and why?
Any of the Calvino books because the plots are dictated by such an awesome sense of logic. It just blows my fucking mind.
Is there one subject you would never write about as an author? What is it?
I would never write about god. It/he/she bores me. I’d also never write about Donald Trump. Fuck him. Everybody talks about him. That’s the big mistake. Nudge Nudge, you hear that Donald? (Shhhhh, yes, Don, I’ll meet you right after this interview for today’s naked jell-o wrestling lesson.
Is there a certain type of scene that's harder for you to write than others? And if so, how do you make it shine?
I really struggle writing what it would be like to be on an alien starship while using a musical instrument to melt the mind of person who wasn’t planning on getting it on. Would they be wearing headphones to speak while she gets it in all her holes? Are they in zero gravity where the cumshot floats until their trajectories lead to splattery cum-contact? That’s a tricky scene. Apart from that one, I find that with my imagination plus google I’m pretty equipped.
Tell us a little of what is in the pipeline. What can we expect to see from Moctezuma Johnson in the near future?
Ah, I thought you were talking about my pipe. Damn, girl. You want to know about my work. What’s in my pipeline? Nothing. Don’t get your hopes up. High hopes are shit. Unless you’re that ant with the rubber tree plant. Then you’re pretty fucking awesome.
What is the best advice you can offer to aspiring authors?
Finally, I’d love to know more about Smutpunk. You and Callie Press have joined forces and created this literary genre online, called Milked by the Yeti. From what I gather it means all systems go…no holds barred and no idea is too taboo and no characters too pornographic. So, MJ, spill the beans, give us the scoop. Where did this brainchild become an embryo and found its birthing on social media?
Hmmmn. I think Callie and I just teased each other about how there was so much shit out there. What do I mean by shit? Bad writing. I figure, well, my writing blows too so why don’t I write some spaceshifter creature space milking jackass yeti bullshit. Our inside joke was to insert “brought to you by the producers of Milked by the Yeti and other fine titles” when advertising our books. Then one night I sat down and wrote Book 1. Callie jumped right in and had book 2 out the next evening. We left in some of the edits, outlines, and other self-referential metatext shit for fun. As we wrote, we kept mixing in real ideas by accident. Voila! SMUTPUNK. I guess it shows that we can’t even write shit well. Callie can. She’s a genius. She can write anything and she writes it all well. I just try to keep up. Also, the whole premise of erotica is silly to me. I find I’m never even paying attention while reading the sex scenes. I’m always thinking about my business (I run a multinational company as a day job as you already know. You can tell them. Yep, folks, it’s true. By day I fuck up the environment in factories and by night I fuck up futas on kindle), or if I should just give a final rip to that hangnail, or why are my neighbors whispering again. I always forget how many testicles a guy has and if he was really hot, hot hot, or just hot. Too many good looking people in erotica and not enough bad breath. I wish somebody would write a sex scene where the cock accidentally goes into the belly button too hard and the stomach needs emergency surgery. I think that’s the kind of idea that fueled the Nose. No not the Nose, Romancing the Hot Stone. I just wanted a sex scene to go all wrong! I thought that was what erotica needed. But nobody reads my writing, or if they do, they often don’t really get it, so it had no effect. People are still writing bad sex scenes. I failed. I was hoping to do to bad erotica what Austin Powers did to bad British Espionage tropes. He proved that the mockery had the better plot than the original and then the original had no choice but to update. Mike Meyers actually had fans, though, and fans are a big help when trying to start a revolution. I’m lucky to have a few -- thank you! -- but not enough.
And now for the fun part. Some crazy quickies that no one ever dare ask!
What is your biggest failure?
I once had four women from four countries on my bar tits out and legs spread and rearing to go and didn’t fuck all of them. I ran out of steam after fucking three. Don’t tell anyone. I blame Firewater. I also fell asleep at the foot of my front door where the shoes go (remember I was in Asia) and my mother-in-law found me there when trying to get out of the house to go to church.
What is the biggest lie you've ever told?
Biggest or most common? “No I’m not married” is up there with my most common lies. “Just the head” is another common one. Biggest? I had a friend isolated for a scientific expedition at the South Pole and I told him all kinds of bullshit in our correspondences. He had no contact with the outside world (this was before email) and I used his isolation to fuck with his head. That was a big lie, literally. My girlfriend got wind of what I was doing and demanded I stop. He and I shared that girlfriend so her loyalties were split.
Have you ever been in trouble with the police?
Lol, why do you think I’ve quit drinking and doing drugs. YES! Yes, I have. I don’t suggest it.
Have you ever gotten into a bar fight?
I’ve gotten into bar fights, caused bar fights, stopped bar fights, been the reason for others to fight in the bar, you name it. (See have you ever been in trouble with the police?)
Characters often find themselves in situations they aren't sure they can get themselves out of. When was the last time you found yourself in a situation that was hard to get out of and what did you do?
I thought it was hard to get out of jail while chained to a bench. Remember, I was in jail abroad. They are both nicer and crueler abroad.
What is your biggest fear?
I used to have so many fears but they have really washed off of me as I‘ve aged. I fear fear. I fear panic. I fear insanity. I’ve had nasty bouts with each. Fuck, I fear guns. Panic scares me the most but rarely grips me now. I guess I’m becoming a better human being.
What do you want your tombstone to say?
“He died rescuing his family from the crawling chaos.” That’s my Wes Anderson Cthulhu Tombstone.
If you had a superpower, what would it be?
In some of our SMUTPUNK I do have a superpower. Read and see!
If you were a superhero, what would your name be? What costume would you wear?
Again, see SMUTPUNK! Try my newest The Adventures of Sarchasmo versus Apographia. This one features my superpower. I didn’t work on the costume, so I’m not sure actually. Ask Callie. Oh Callie?
What literary character is most like you?
All of them. I’m a weird fuck. Most literary characters are too. Maybe the Seawolf, Wolf Larsen, or Haroun, or possibly Qfwfq from Cosmicomics.
What secret talents do you have?
Lol, I’m a nasty pool player. I can ride a unicycle. I can juggle. Great question, by the way fun. I can cook. I’m quite a good bartender. I am a trained Mayab priest, what we call an aj q’ij.
Where is one place you want to visit that you haven't been before?
Perth and Guadalupe.
If you were an animal in a zoo, what would you be?
A dolphin or a duck. Dolphin cause they’re fucking smart and cool. Duck because, contrary to popular belief, they change mates all the time and fuck more than rabbits.
No, a honey bee.
What were you like as a child? Your favorite toy?
I was weird and shy. My favorite toy was my guitar or my WWF wrestling figures. I liked models too. I still do, but different kinds of models.
Do you dream? Do you have any recurring dreams/nightmares?
I have sleep paralysis, which we call the sitting ghost. If you’ve never had it let me tell you it’s as close to death as you can get while alive. As you get older, it’s quite a lot of fun but when I was in my teens it scared the living shit out of me. Now it’s like a rollercoaster. Whheeeeeeee!
That’s it, Linz? I was just getting rolling! Thank you for the super in-depth interview. I’m sorry I’m no longer even a writer, but as a former writer I think I’m equipped to answer. I really feel better after answering. I was in a very foul mood before talking with you, Linzi. You’re just such an uplifting soul. Thank you! And thank you for the chance to share myself with your peeps. Chau! Or, as you like to say, totsiens!
It really was a pleasure getting to know MJ over the past number of months and chatting with him while preparing for this interview. I want to thank him for his honesty. Let’s face it. Not many writers out there have the guts to express their true feelings and opinions the way he did during this interview.
For me it’s sad that he isn’t going to write anymore. I can only hope that it’s a short hiatus! Well, MJ, here is a little surprise for you, too. A short message from your partner in crime, as you called her - Callie Press.
Moctezuma Johnson is a genius and an artist, and both of those things work on their own schedule. Publishing—hell, anything involving people—can be cloying, and sometimes it's hard to even catch your metaphorical breath. I don't believe the world is done with MJ, and I'm sure he's worth waiting for. "They would not listen, they did not know how. Perhaps they'll listen now."
Thank you, MJ, for allowing me to do this interview. I truly wish you success with your endeavors. We will hope to see your name flashing across our screens again when sometime in the future you will announce a new release.
Don’t be a stranger now. You hear?
Want to know more about Moctezuma Johnson? Find him here: